Parent / Coach Boundaries

[King MJ]

Question for parents of current or very recently graduated football players.

How, if at all, has your kid's head coach created boundaries for parents? (eg limiting conversation about kids to certain times, not discussing playing time, etc). What coaches do it well?

I am seeing more and more coaches retire from coaching early and almost always the reason is they don't want to deal with parents anymore. Only a few seem to be able to keep parents at bay and most of them have VERY long resumes with lots of success.

We talk about the ref shortage, but I think the coach shortage (at least of experienced quality coaches) doesn't get much play.

I remember when I played a parent would rarely reach out to a coach on any topic other than recruiting and the coaches were pretty much left to do their job (unless there was a MAJOR issue). however, hearing some parents at both of my kids' schools, you would think that parents want to be an extended member of the coaching staff.

To be clear, I don't want this to turn into a thread about the Hinsdale Central girl's basketball situation. However I think it is very similar to the pressure that many coaches, especialy in wealthy districts deal with.

 

[sporthog9er]

It's a problem, but one I think can be easily handled properly with a parent preseason meeting. I've seen coaches do this well where they outline that communication on playing time or anything related to running the program should come from the player first. Obviously anything related to gross misconduct, abuse, etc is appropriate for parents. Having a competent AD immensely helps in these situations too. One that isn't afraid to step in immediately.

IMHO, a lot of these problems (moreso in club basketball and baseball in examples I've seen) stems from families not understanding the difference between the club sports and HS. Club you have families and often coaches hanging out much more frequently, traveling together...much more communication. You get to HS and parents are not always ready to be left to just be...a parent. Which is why I love good HS programs that help mimic what these athletes will see in college. Parents have no say whatsoever. And that's how it should be done at a good HS program for any sport.

 

[William Foster]

Gen Y was raised entitled by Gen X, and now it's time to accept the consequences.

 

[MS4EVER]

Players play , coaches coach and parents cheer!

 

[SiuCubFan8]

Gen Y was raised entitled by Gen X, and now it's time to accept the consequences.

🤨

 

[Wilmatucky]

I have heard of the 24 hour rule (after a game) to contact the coaches. I have also heard of parents being required to channel questions, comments, concerns though the AD. That one could backfire really quickly if you don't have a good relationship with the AD. They will get really sick of handling all the parents and ultimately take it out on the coach.

 

[stripes13]

 

[LakeCtyNewt]

It’s a very serious problem. Quincy Notre Dame is one of the better small school programs in the state. After they were upset in the state playoffs, two parents came into the locker room after the game and berated the coach.

That coach who won a national title and made multiple state finals appearances resigned.

Hinsdale Central, the entire girls basketball coaching staff resigned.

From everything I’ve heard about Hinsdale the parents are ruthless and the school board is spineless.

You all already know how I feel about officials. But I have seen so many excellent coaches run off by whackadoodle parents.

One of the winningest girls coaches in IHSA history got chased out of Stevenson by two spoiled brats and their parents.

School admins have lost their way and are way too spineless to stand up to these loud mouthed mommy/daddy coaches.

My solution is this. If a parent comes forward whining about the coach, tell the parent you’ll be happy to remove the coach and they will be the coach. That would shut them all up very quickly.

Just really sick of it

 

[stripes13]

My parents involvement in my HS athletic career consisted of the booster club, working concession stands, and my dad kept the book for the baseball team - but only home games. Beyond that, the only time the may have interacted with coaches was running into them at the grocery store and just small talk about how their families were doing.

They also knew that I was in no way, shape, or form ever going to move beyond high school athletics, so they just wanted me to have fun.

 

[AmbroseBlack]

Gen Y was raised entitled by Gen X, and now it's time to accept the consequences.

Following that logic, we can blame the generation that raised Gen X. So, really, it's the Baby Boomers and The Silent Generation's fault.

 

[sac'em]

Sign of the times:
After a football game, us coaches were leaving the field with our families, and our HC was holding his baby daughter in his arms. A parent came up to him and started yelling profanities because her son didn't get to play (Week 9, 4-4, need to win, playing a rival, senior night). He was not a senior, had missed 2 practices that week, and did not know his plays. Other parents and some of us other coaches stepped in and called the SRO to remove this parent. Kid quit the next week during playoffs, and parent tried to have the HC arrested.
Good Ol' Days:
My baseball coach was tired of some of the parents' comments during a game. So, after the game, he had a meeting with the players and parents. He threw down all the bats the team had in the middle of the crowd and said, "If you have a problem with my coaching, pick one up and lets talk". Everyone turned around and left. We won the Catholic League Championship that year (8th Grade).

 

[AmbroseBlack]

It's a problem, but one I think can be easily handled properly with a parent preseason meeting. I've seen coaches do this well where they outline that communication on playing time or anything related to running the program should come from the player first. Obviously anything related to gross misconduct, abuse, etc is appropriate for parents. Having a competent AD immensely helps in these situations too. One that isn't afraid to step in immediately.

IMHO, a lot of these problems (moreso in club basketball and baseball in examples I've seen) stems from families not understanding the difference between the club sports and HS. Club you have families and often coaches hanging out much more frequently, traveling together...much more communication. You get to HS and parents are not always ready to be left to just be...a parent. Which is why I love good HS programs that help mimic what these athletes will see in college. Parents have no say whatsoever. And that's how it should be done at a good HS program for any sport.

You bring up some good points about the culture of club sports and how it impacts school sports. The other thing is money. So many parents invest in private coaching, trainers, speed coaches, etc., only to see their kids play limited minutes or come off the bench in high school. Also, their kid "dominates" club sports because they don't understand that the different levels of youth competition. Some parents are really struggling to understand that not all kids are good enough to get a full ride to a D1 school and harassing their coach is not going to change that.

 

[SiuCubFan8]

You bring up some good points about the culture of club sports and how it impacts school sports. The other thing is money. So many parents invest in private coaching, trainers, speed coaches, etc., only to see their kids play limited minutes or come off the bench in high school. Also, their kid dominates club sports because they don't understand that the different levels of youth competition. Some parents are really struggling to understand that not all kids are good enough to get a full ride to a D1 school and harassing their coach is not going to change that.

Anyone can play club/travel if you want to pay. This isn’t 1995, when if you played travel baseball you were actually good. Club sports is one giant money grab.

 

[King MJ]

It’s a very serious problem. Quincy Notre Dame is one of the better small school programs in the state. After they were upset in the state playoffs, two parents came into the locker room after the game and berated the coach.

That coach who won a national title and made multiple state finals appearances resigned.

Hinsdale Central, the entire girls basketball coaching staff resigned.

From everything I’ve heard about Hinsdale the parents are ruthless and the school board is spineless.

You all already know how I feel about officials. But I have seen so many excellent coaches run off by whackadoodle parents.

One of the winningest girls coaches in IHSA history got chased out of Stevenson by two spoiled brats and their parents.

School admins have lost their way and are way too spineless to stand up to these loud mouthed mommy/daddy coaches.

My solution is this. If a parent comes forward whining about the coach, tell the parent you’ll be happy to remove the coach and they will be the coach. That would shut them all up very quickly.

Just really sick of it

I've got some intel on the Hinsdale situation which i don't want to post publicly. However, let's just say, the issues are even worse than what is reported and this situation probably gets worse long before it gets better.

 

[King MJ]

Back when i coached (multiple sports, just not football), I had a preseason meeting before tryouts where i would lay out expectations and have both players and parents sign to acknowledge the team handbook.

Included were things like
- Any absences from practices or games would result in missing at least half a game, unless preapproved for a legit reason (college visit, SATs, etc)
- I won't talk to any parents within 24 hours of a game
- Any conversations with a parent must include the player. No exceptions.
- I will not discuss any other player's performance or debate strategy in these calls
- Parents are invited to watch practice at any time. However, they must be there when practice starts and stay through the practice. (Exception: anyone can watch last 10-15 minutes of practice)
- Tactical coaching from the sidelines is not tolerated. If it gets out of control, the player will be removed from the game and will go into the stands and tell their parent to stop
- Players are responsible for the behavior of their parents. Any abusive behavior towards officials, other fans, any players or any coaches are unacceptable. Players can lose playing team based on parent behavior.


I realized that if i tried to do that today at most wealthy public school or most catholic schools, I would like be run out of town. Which is why I only coach as a fill-in now and only at the club level.

I am honestly in awe of any coaches who are able to keep parents at bay.

 

[MIKEFTB]

I've got some intel on the Hinsdale situation which i don't want to post publicly. However, let's just say, the issues are even worse than what is reported and this situation probably gets worse long before it gets better.

Yeah..I know a Gal I went to high school with whose Granddaughter goes to Hinsdale Central and she was telling me some of the stuff I was just shaking my head. seems like District 86 is seeing some tough times athletically off the fields/courts more than on...

 

[stripes13]

I've got some intel on the Hinsdale situation which i don't want to post publicly. However, let's just say, the issues are even worse than what is reported and this situation probably gets worse long before it gets better.

Kind of a tease now.

You started the thread, and you have more intel on this but won't share? You've left me wanting more.

 

[mc140]

A state title winning football coach walked out of an interview for their head job one year because of the parent question portion of the job interview.

 

[William Foster]

Following that logic, we can blame the generation that raised Gen X. So, really, it's the Baby Boomers and The Silent Generation's fault.

I disagree

 

[William Foster]

My parents involvement in my HS athletic career consisted of the booster club, working concession stands, and my dad kept the book for the baseball team - but only home games. Beyond that, the only time the may have interacted with coaches was running into them at the grocery store and just small talk about how their families were doing.

They also knew that I was in no way, shape, or form ever going to move beyond high school athletics, so they just wanted me to have fun.

Amen, brother

 

[King MJ]

Kind of a tease now.

You started the thread, and you have more intel on this but won't share? You've left me wanting more.

I didnt share because it involves a very specific situation which i don't think is right to air publicly.

 

[stripes13]

I didnt share because it involves a very specific situation which i don't think is right to air publicly.

I'm only messing around about it being a tease. I get why you would be reluctant to share.

 

[SiuCubFan8]

Even from the outside looking in you knew there had to be more to this situation...

 

[sporthog9er]

🤨

Back when i coached (multiple sports, just not football), I had a preseason meeting before tryouts where i would lay out expectations and have both players and parents sign to acknowledge the team handbook.

Included were things like
- Any absences from practices or games would result in missing at least half a game, unless preapproved for a legit reason (college visit, SATs, etc)
- I won't talk to any parents within 24 hours of a game
- Any conversations with a parent must include the player. No exceptions.
- I will not discuss any other player's performance or debate strategy in these calls
- Parents are invited to watch practice at any time. However, they must be there when practice starts and stay through the practice. (Exception: anyone can watch last 10-15 minutes of practice)
- Tactical coaching from the sidelines is not tolerated. If it gets out of control, the player will be removed from the game and will go into the stands and tell their parent to stop
- Players are responsible for the behavior of their parents. Any abusive behavior towards officials, other fans, any players or any coaches are unacceptable. Players can lose playing team based on parent behavior.


I realized that if i tried to do that today at most wealthy public school or most catholic schools, I would like be run out of town. Which is why I only coach as a fill-in now and only at the club level.

I am honestly in awe of any coaches who are able to keep parents at bay.

This is how it's done. Excellent!

 

[Wilmatucky]

Everybody is a star on their travel team. If Johnny is not playing much on one travel team then Daddy just moves them to a new team with less talent. Johnny is the star again, Daddy doesn't realize that it's simply because the team has no talent, and then Daddy is mad when Johnny sits the bench at his local high school behind the kids that were on his first travel team LOL.

 

[stripes13]

Everybody is a star on their travel team. If Johnny is not playing much on one travel team then Daddy just moves them to a new team with less talent. Johnny is the star again, Daddy doesn't realize that it's simply because the team has no talent, and then Daddy is mad when Johnny sits the bench at his local high school behind the kids that were on his first travel team LOL.

You know my neighbor?

 

[Wilmatucky]

You know my neighbor?

So you live in (insert any suburb with money)?

 

[SouthofI80FootballFan]

Even from the outside looking in you knew there had to be more to this situation...

This looks more like a school administration and coach boundary than parent and coach boundary.

Two highly publicized incidents in 1 week explains a lot about what is happening in this school.

 

[SiuCubFan8]

This looks more like a school administration and coach boundary than parent and coach boundary.

Two highly publicized incidents in 1 week explains a lot about what is happening in this school.

agree

 

[King MJ]

This looks more like a school administration and coach boundary than parent and coach boundary.

Two highly publicized incidents in 1 week explains a lot about what is happening in this school.

Disagree to an extent. When the admin/AD doesn't back up a coach in setting boundaries, chaos generally ensues.

 

[corey90]

I coached my sons in both Baseball & Basketball all the way to HS. In youth Football I told them I wanted them to make their own way, so I didn’t coach but I went to every practice. I never questioned the coaches ever. Coaching was a lot of work and as many of you pointed out the parents were the biggest problem. Most were fine but a select few were completely over the top. I will say once my boys got to HS I told them if they want to play/start they had to work hard and it was totally on them. I told them there was 11 starters on each side of the ball. If they wanted to play they had to be the best of the best. I never went to 1 practice ever and my sons would have been embarrassed if I did but I never missed a game. I know coach Z and would see him at the gym and we would chat about family and the team but never anything about if my son was going to play or start or any of that crap. In my mind once the kid is in HS he has to be able to make his own way and it’s totally on them. Parents need to let their kids learn and grow, life isn’t easy and sometimes things don’t always go as they wish, not everyone is a super star.

 

[CIMRY90]

In my mind once the kid is in HS he has to be able to make his own way and it’s totally on them. Parents need to let their kids learn and grow, life isn’t easy and sometimes things don’t always go as they wish, not everyone is a super star.

This also applies to the classroom. Local area has a Facebook page that was set up by some individuals to address school related activities but is used for all things local such as recommendations for repairmen, lost pets etc. Occasionally, a parent will ask a question that should be asked directly to the school or by the student to the teacher directly. I bite my tongue.

 

[HotBeer]

This looks more like a school administration and coach boundary than parent and coach boundary.

Two highly publicized incidents in 1 week explains a lot about what is happening in this school.

Assuming you are referring to the boys basketball lawsuit - that's a separate school. Hinsdale South vs Hinsdale Central.

 

[Hillini74]

I've got some intel on the Hinsdale situation which i don't want to post publicly. However, let's just say, the issues are even worse than what is reported and this situation probably gets worse long before it gets better.

Read Mike DiMattio's book. It alludes to the issues that were happening with parents back then...

 

[LTHSALUM76]

I am happy to know all the good parents who never give coaches any trouble are posting here. LOL! But seriously. I have a very funny story to tell.

I coached a high school baseball team with two other guys. There was this one particular day at practice when me and one of the coaches were hitting ground balls to infielders and the third coach was down the left field line hitting flies to the outfielders.

So, I am hitting grounders to guys on the left side of the infield and the other coach is hitting grounders to guys on the right side. As this coach is hitting grounders to his group he is giving instruction. So, finally the coach says, "guys if you want to be good at anything it is a good idea to seek out the the guys who are the best at what they do and emulate that." And immediately after fielding a grounder our first baseman looks in and says, "I agree coach you are right. That's why we watch pornos."

The coach dropped the fungo as he was laughing. I looked at the other coach and said; "did he say what I thought he said?" The coach said, "yes he did!" It was too funny and as head coach I didn't think the kid crossed any line. Two adult coaches and several young adult boys. But I had to turn away as I laughed. Good times.

 

[SiuCubFan8]

That is funny.

 

[Panthers1211]

Read Mike DiMattio's book. It alludes to the issues that were happening with parents back then...

The parents run the ship at Central.

 

[Panthers1211]

This looks more like a school administration and coach boundary than parent and coach boundary.

Two highly publicized incidents in 1 week explains a lot about what is happening in this school.

It's a big time parent problem at CENTRAL!!!

 

[SiuCubFan8]

My girls are in highly competitive cheer. I’ve seen some parents make absolute asses out of themselves. I keep my mouth shut and at most have asked at end of year “what can she do to to “x””. People are nuts.

 

[corey90]

My girls are in highly competitive cheer. I’ve seen some parents make absolute asses out of themselves. I keep my mouth shut and at most have asked at end of year “what can she do to to “x””. People are nuts.

Crazy
Some feel they are entitled! Not sure why. It must be the area? I mean I have seen it but not to the extent you’re saying about Central.